Kissing Toads and Finding Princes
by Oxygen.and.Cucumber
Summary: Winner of the PDC - "Pretend to date Edward Cullen or sit through a bad movie with some sleazy pervert. Hmm, the choice was difficult." The only way Edward and Bella can get out of bad dates is to get a real one. The answer: pretend dating.


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**Kissing Toads and Finding Princes**

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**Summary:** "Pretend to date Edward Cullen or sit through a bad movie with some sleazy pervert. Hmm, the choice was difficult." The only way Edward and Bella can get out of bad dates set up by their friends is to get a real date. The answer: pretend dating.

**Inspiration: **blackandivorykey's challenge

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_Bella's POV_

"And then," Eric breathed heavily across the table from me, his eyes alight with excitement, "he passed the ball to the right forward, and then he scored!" he turned to me, his breathing still shallow as he noticed that I hadn't moved one inch since he first began to speak.

"That sounds incredible," I nodded quickly just as the food arrived. It was a good job he was paying; otherwise I'd never have been able to force myself to sit through that.

I tore my eyes away from his quickly, digging into the meal before he could ask me anything else.

I figured that dating was like monopoly.

Why, you ask?

It's simple. You have to wait ages to get the right property you want, and even if you do get it before it's taken, it's always the most expensive, and the one everyone wants.

In my case at the moment, I was currently sitting next to Baltic Avenue.

But as Alice ever so kindly puts it, I have to jump into that lake with the fish, even though I don't know how to swim yet.

"So Bella," Eric mumbled through his full mouth of food, "Would you like to watch a game with me sometime?"

I gritted my teeth, smiling sweetly, "That'd be lovely."

"Seriously?"

_No. _"Of course." I smiled again, my jaw straining with the effort as I hurried to finish my meal quickly.

I'd told Alice to call me one hour into the date. I _always _told her to; it was my form of an escape plan. And right now, she was two minutes late.

Eric had just finished his meal.

I put my cutlery down slowly, taking a sip of my drink. I'd have to time this properly, eating my meal slow enough that I just finished by the time Alice called.

Three minutes late.

"They have a girl's soccer team as well," he started to say, and I groaned internally, preparing myself for his hour long speech. "Of course, they aren't as good as the male version, and that's to be expected."

Arrogant, boring… _AND_ sexist. What a combination.

"What makes you think that?" I raised my eyebrows innocently, watching his eyes widen in surprise at my question.

Four minutes late.

"Well, men are stronger than women. They can run faster, and they have a higher intelligence."

_He did _not _just say that. _I felt my hands form fists under the table, and my smile wavered, my eyes darkening.

"They also are better at sports than women and have faster reactions, which evidently benefits them in match situations." His eyes flashed towards mine, raking up and down my appearance as if indictating what women _were _good for. Asshole.

_He just took the insults one step too far. _I stood up, my chair scraping against the tiles of the restaurant. Then, I reached across him and slapped him.

"I'm sorry," I spat, "I thought your super fast reactions would save you."

Then I stormed out of the restaurant, throwing a few notes onto the table behind me as I left him sitting there, contemplating what he did wrong with his pea sized brain.

*

_Ofallthemotherfuckingmalesshecouldhavesetmeupwith. _I slammed the door shut behind me, storming up the stairs as I tore through our shared apartment, not trying to conceal my anger.

"Bella!" Alice sang, dancing out of the kitchen as she froze at my expression.

"Hello Alice," I replied calmly, smiling coldly towards her as her mouth dropped open.

"That bad?"

"_That _bad."

"What did he do?" she sighed, following me as I turned towards my room, slumping against the mattress on my bed.

"Everything that he possibly could have done to make me hate him in the space of an hour – it's like he had a manual on it or something. Also, would you like to explain the lateness of my call?"

"I was just about to call you." Her eyes were too innocent.

_Really? _"You promised to call me at 1.30, and it is now currently 1.50. That's twenty minutes late Alice, which meant an extra few minutes of torture I had to endure, plus my journey home. Explain."

She smiled sheepishly, "Jasper?"

"Stop," I held up a hand, not needing any more details as I pulled off my jumper, chucking it onto the pile with the rest of my clothes.

"Listen Bells," she said seriously, perching on the edge of my bed, "You need to start dating more, please. It's really not healthy."

"Yeah, it's also not healthy to sit opposite an egotistical, sexist jerk for an hour. But that's not my fault either, is it?"

"Eric seemed nicer when Jasper talked about him."

"_Everything _seems nicer when Jasper talks about it," I teased her, watching her cheeks flush pink with embarrassment.

"OK, so I screwed up. Forgiven?"

"I don't know, my hand hurts quite a lot."

"Hand?"

"I slapped him."

"You what?" she screeched suddenly, her eyes wide with shock as she stared at me. "Non-violent, pacifist Bella _slapped _someone?"

"No, I merely flicked him," I said sarcastically, holding up my red palm. "Yes of course I slapped him! Besides, he deserved it."

Alice rolled her eyes, "I'm going to give you some time to calm down. See you in the morning?"

"Unfortunately," I grinned wryly as she glared back at me, slamming my door hard behind her as she left.

*

_Edward's POV_

"Oh my God, is that Gucchi?" the girl opposite me gushed, clutching onto my wrist desperately as she stared at my watch. She was either genuinely intrigued by my watch, or she was just looking for an excuse to hold onto my wrist.

I hadn't decided which.

"No, it's from Wal-Mart actually," I said factually as she stared up at me, her eyes glassing over.

"That's so, like, totally hot," she giggled, flipping my wrist over. Either to stare at the back of the watch, or the muscles on the back of my arm. I didn't want to admit that it was the later of the two options.

"My grandma bought it for me."

"Cute!" she exclaimed, her fingers ignoring my watch as they trailed up my arms. Didn't she just hear me? I said my _grandma_ bought me a watch from _Wal-Mart_!

"She bought my best friend one too and we like to wear it when we go out together."

She nodded in agreement, her eyes trained on the front of my shirt. "Like, a male best friend?"

_Oh God, I'm so desperate. _"Yeah, we're… _close_," I hinted, biting back my embarrassment as I tried to get her to leave me alone.

"How close is close?" she asked innocently, her acrylic fingernails digging into my arms, almost so that it was painful.

I leaned forward, my eyes watching how her cheeks turned pink with apprehension, "Closer than you could imagine," I whispered, removing her hand gently from my arm.

She shivered, a warm, euphoric smile spreading across her face. Then, it dawned on me. She hadn't heard a word I'd just said.

"That's… totally sweet," she stammered, using her favourite phrase as an excuse to hide the fact she hadn't been listening.

God, I couldn't even have a conversation with her.

Yes, that's right. Edward Cullen actually wants to _talk _with a woman. Not watch them eye up his chest all night.

Then, I heard a loud slap from across the restaurant, as someone got hit by their lunch date. I stared back at the girl opposite me, an amused smile across my face. If I tried that, I'd probably get sued for abuse.

The waitress handed over our menus, and she finally looked away from me to decide what she wanted to eat. This was probably the only moment I was going to get where she _wasn't _looking at me.

I flipped the lid of my phone up under the table and went to one of my ring tones, before setting the volume up maximum.

If the ring tone didn't give her a clear indication to stay away from me, then the fact I was running away from her to save my house that was now suddenly, and without cause on fire, would hopefully help.

Don't even ask me why I have this ring tone on my phone.

_One, two, ready go._

_You cry at movies, on our dates._

_Romantic comedies sure are great._

_But when you're sad I'll dry your tears._

_Cos I'll always think that you are fierce._

"Shoot," I pretended to curse, fumbling in my pockets for my phone which was sitting in my right hand under the table. "It's my friend," I explained as I looked up at her, "the one I was talking to you about." Yeah, now wait for _these _lyrics!

_My gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend._

_I don't really care that you are queer._

"I told him _not _to call me," I sighed drastically, pressing the stop button on the ring tone as I held it up to my ear. "Hello? Emmett?" There was no way he was staying anonymous after this date. "What did I say about bothering me?"

I paused, pretending that he was replying.

"Wait, what?" My house is on fire? No, really?

Her eyes widened in surprise across the table, and I stood up suddenly, my phone still clutched to my ear.

"No, of course I'll be there. Did you call the fire department?"

One, there's no fire. Two, that's the worse excuse in the history of bad excuses that I've heard for trying to get out of a date. Now, remind me why I should call the fire department?

"I know," I smiled sadly, then, I couldn't help but add, "I love you too."

I snapped the lid of my phone shut, turning to her, but she was already gone. I rolled my eyes, sighing as I fished around in my pockets for a few notes, throwing them onto the table.

I might as well give them a tip. It wasn't like I was ever going to come in here and eat after _that_.

*

"Don't you _dare _set me up on another one of those dates again," I growled at Emmett, my jaw stiff with anger as I tore past him, slumping on a stool in the kitchen. He followed me curiously, taking the seat opposite me as I passed me a beer. "Do you realise what I had to do to get out of it?"

"Mother in hospital? Pet dying? Earthquake?"

"My house that I share with my _gay _boyfriend was about to be blasted to smithereens if I didn't get there quick enough to save it."

His eyebrows rose, "Gay?" he chuckled, "Who's the lucky fellow?"

"You," I snapped, tearing off the lid of the bottle as I took a long drink from the contents.

"Edward, I know that you love me and everything, but I _really _don't feel that way towards you. Besides, I have Rosalie," he said politely, trying to hide his amusement.

"Rosalie?" I sneered, "Oh, you mean the other blind date that you set me up on, and ended up dating her yourself instead?"

"Yeah… about that."

I rolled my eyes, jumping down from the stool as I moved towards my room, shutting the door in his face before he could follow me in.

"If you're really serious about the gay boyfriend part," Emmett said seriously from the other side of my door, "I'm sure Tyler would be more than willing."

"Emmett, shut up."

"Or there's always James."

"Emmett," I warned, picking up a shoe off the floor and throwing it into my door.

"Or what about Laurence? I know that you totally dig his sexy French accent."

"Emmett!" I roared, wrenching my door open, "Shut. Up." Then I slammed the door again, taking a deep breath whilst I waited for him to leave, "Besides, you did _not _just say totally."

I could almost see him grinning.

*

_Bella's POV_

I finished doing the buttons of my suit, pulling my hair into a neat pony tail as I grabbed my briefcase, tearing into the kitchen.

I was late. As usual.

I grabbed a bagel from the cupboard, trying to get out of the house before I ran into Alice… or missed my bus. At the moment, trying to miss Alice had higher priority.

"Bella!" she bounded into the room as my hands froze on the handle. Damn.

"I just wanted to check with you to make sure you're OK about your date this evening I set up for you."

"Not going," I stated, flinging the door open.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she was standing in front of me, blocking the stairs as she put her hands on her hips.

"It means that I am _not _going," I explained patiently, "Not driving to the lunch date, not wasting precious finite fuel, not paying for a conversation I don't want, not-"

"Comprende," she sighed, as I grinned smugly.

"Gracias," I chuckled, saying a final goodbye as I left for work.

In all my time living with Alice, that was the first moment I'd ever been able to get out of something she'd planned.

Today, a miracle had happened.

*

I hurried into work, trying to ignore the hands of the clock, staring at me, telling me that I was late. They did it every morning.

"Late again Miss Swan," someone teased, and I looked up, seeing Edward Cullen standing opposite me, holding my files out for me like he did every morning.

"I'm not that late, am I?" I said breathlessly, flicking through the folders as I continued moving towards my office.

"Only seven minutes and fourty two seconds."

"Precise," I pulled a face as he chuckled lightly, holding my door open for me. "Thanks."

"Is there anything else you need?"

"You." I did _not_ just say that out loud. Shit. I said it out loud.

"Yes?" he said politely, trying to hide the amusement behind his voice as I sat down at my desk, trying to make my face turn back to its original colour.

"I-I mean," I stammered, "I would like _you _to get me a coffee… Please."

"Of course," he smiled once more, before leaving and shutting my office door behind him. As soon as he was gone, I banged my head against the desk.

I refused to admit that I, Bella Swan, liked a man.

Yes, he was insanely and unbelievably handsome. Yes, he worked for _me_ and would do anything I asked. Yes, he gets me coffee every morning which tastes like heaven.

No, I'm not asking him out. No, I'm not admitting that I like him, and no way on Earth, and under no circumstance am I telling Alice.

She'd be painting our nursery and planning our wedding if I did.

My phone started ringing, and I flicked the lid up, groaning as I saw the caller ID. _Alice. _Speak of the devil, and the devil shall appear.

"What do you want?"

"Now that _is _a nice way to greet your favourite friend in the whole entire world."

"Alice? I'm working," I sighed angrily as the door opened and Edward stepped through.

"I just wanted to tell you that Mike Newton phoned me this morning, and he's ecstatic about your date this evening." I guess I should have realized that miracles don't happen to someone like me.

"Alice!" I said exasperated, as Edward set my coffee down on my table. "I told you to _stop _setting me up with guys I don't like, don't want to talk to, and think the world revolves around them!" Then I lowered my voice, embarrassed that Edward was still in the room, "I'm perfectly capable of meeting guys on my own thank you."

"Fine Bella," she snapped, "But if you don't start dating someone in the next week, I'm rearranging that date with Mike Newton."

"Fine," I retorted.

"Fine."

"Goodbye Alice," I hissed, throwing my phone into the drawer as I banged my head on my desk for the second time this morning.

"Did you want anything else Miss Swan?" his voice was always incredibly formal, and I raised my eyes to his, smiling weakly.

"Sorry about that. She doesn't know when to stop."

"I know how you feel."

I raised an eyebrow. How would _Edward Cullen_ know how _I _felt? "Really?"

"My friend Emmett sets me up every weekend with someone new. It _never _works out."

I sighed contently, thankful that finally someone understood me. "She's threatened to set me up on another one… How do you get out of them?"

"I don't," he smiled ruefully, pursing his lips. "Emmett only agreed to stop putting me up for them if I found someone. But so far, I haven't found anyone that I like enough to go on a second date with, let alone have a relationship with."

I nodded in agreement, "That's what Alice says. If I don't find someone by next week, I have to go on a date with Mike Newton." I shuddered at the name.

"Mike Newton?" Edward said in surprise and my eyes flashed up towards him.

"You know him?"

"He's my neighbour."

"Oh… well, it's not that I have anything against him," I mumbled, "It's just, from past experiences they've never been any good, but I'm sure he's a really nice guy, and-"

"Bella," he chuckled, stopping me from rambling, "I don't like him either. There's never a moment when he doesn't have a women round his apartment."

I let out a sigh of relief, biting my lip, "I've ran out of excuses about trying to get out of dates."

Edward didn't reply; he was just watching me from across the room, his eyes appraising me.

"What?" I said suddenly, frowning as his concentration broke, his gaze wavering.

"I know that this may seem… forward," he said carefully, "But you stated you don't want to go on this date, and I obviously don't want to date anyone on my brother's contact list. What if…"

"Yes?"

"What if we _pretended _to date? Just to… appease our friends; so they stopped bothering us. Would that work?"

Pretend to date Edward Cullen, or sit through a bad movie with some sleazy pervert. Hmm, the choice was difficult.

"Alright," I shrugged casually, "It could work."

"Great," he smiled warmly back, "I'll leave my number on my desk for you." Then, he did something which should never be seen again. Ever.

He blew me a kiss, holding his hand in the shape of a phone up to his ear, "Call me darling," he drawled, before leaving my office.

"Only if you never do that again!" I roared after him, hearing his laughter echoing off the corridor of the office.

*

_Edward's POV_

To say I was on cloud nine, would be an understatement.

I, Edward Cullen, for the first time in my life; found someone I wanted to be with. And yes, for the first time in my life, I just admitted that. So what if it was only _pretend_? Pretend, for the moment… was better than nothing.

There was something about Bella Swan, and I wasn't quite sure what, but I knew that I liked her, possibly felt something more towards her. It wasn't just her natural beauty, but the expressions that came with it.

For once, I felt as though I could take her out to dinner, and have a conversation with her that didn't revolve around a watch that my grandma bought from Wal-Mart for me.

I didn't even glare at Emmett as I walked through the apartment. I was just waiting for the moment when he would start to tell me about this new date he'd set up, because now, I had a valid excuse.

"Edward, Rosalie's coming over for dinner in an hour so can you either get ready, sulk in your room, or go on a non-existent date on a Monday evening?"

I touched my chin in thought, smirking. "I think I'll go on a non-existent date on a Monday evening."

Emmett whirled around to face me as I walked into the kitchen, apron on, spatula in hand, he stared at me in a new light. "Edward Cullen, you did _not _just say that."

"Although, it wouldn't be _non-existent _if I was actually going on date on a Monday evening." I chuckled at his expression, not feeling the need to tell him that his pasta sauce was burning.

My phone beeped suddenly in my pocket, and Emmett raised his eyebrows up towards me. I _never _got messages. _Fact._

"Who?" Emmett asked curiously, as a smug grin spread across my face.

"Oh just this girl, you know," I shrugged casually, turning around from him, my eyes never leaving the message.

It was her number. Followed by the few, short words:

_Call me darling._

Emmett's eyes shot open, "The one you have a date with tonight?"

"Not yet," I mused, my fingers hovering over the buttons. What was I waiting for?

"She should totally come and have dinner with us and Rosalie!"

"Emmett," I growled, turning around to face him, "What did I say about the overuse of the word totally?"

"Sorry babe," he rolled his eyes teasingly, his eyes flashing back to his pasta sauce as he realised that he'd burnt it. "Shoot."

"I'll call her," I said confidently, feeling a warmth seep from my stomach at the words. Boldly, I pressed the call button on my phone, as Emmett winked at me from across the kitchen.

"Hello?"

"Hey Bella, this is Edward."

"I was just this second talking about you."

"Coincidence," I muttered, as Emmett's mouth dropped. He thought I was joking. Ha!

I heard her hand fumbling to cover the phone as she whispered to the person next to her. _"See Alice," _she hissed_, "He _does _exist."_

"Why don't you put your friend on?" I asked, "Then I can prove to her that I'm alive."

I could almost imagine her blushing as she passed the phone to her friend. "Hello Edward Cullen, this is Alice Whitlock."

_Charm, here we come. _"Hello Alice Whitlock," I drawled huskily, and on the end of the line the phone dropped.

"Oh my God!" Alice screamed next to the phone, as Bella laughed loudly, and a smile stretched across my face.

"She looked like she was about to have a heart attack!" she gasped, trying to speak through her laughter.

"Please, give her my apologies."

"Apologies my ass," a voice interrupted as realization dawned on me.

"I'm on loud speaker… aren't I?"

"For the whole world to hear," her friend said again, as I heard a whack on the end of the line. "It's not my fault I wanted to check that you were a reasonable guy."

"What, like the past seven dates you've set me up on?" Bella asked sarcastically.

"I was actually calling to ask Bella on a date," I said proudly, not stumbling over the words.

"Alice, get out," Bella mumbled, her voice followed by another whack. There was a click on the phone, and then, there was only Bella on the end of the line, "I never thought she was going to stop."

"Well, she's certainly… energetic."

"Tell me about it."

"So, with the date, my friend Emmett that I was talking to you about; he's also very keen to see that you… _exist_."

"Do you want me to talk sexy down the phone to him too then?"

I chuckled, "His face would be priceless, but then, I'd have his girlfriend to face up to, and I like my life at the moment. I'd rather not lose it."

"You do realise Alice is married?"

"Oh," I muttered, "I wouldn't have done… if I'd have know. I-"

"It's fine Edward," she reassured me, "So, what were you thinking for the date?"

"Well, he's attempting to cook dinner tonight, and he's invited his girlfriend, and you and me along. Of course, Alice and her husband are welcome to come along too. If you're free."

"I'd love to," she breathed, and I beamed at her response.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. Cross my heart and hope to die," I could hear the smile in her voice. "I don't even have any excuses lined up for this evening. Unless that is, you start giving me a play-by-play back of yesterday's game."

"That won't happen," I assured her, as the door swung opened and Emmett crashed into my room. "I have to go and beat up Emmett now for listening to this conversation. But I'll see you around seven?"

"Seven," she agreed, "Oh, and remember to keep your fingers outside your fist. Otherwise you'll break them."

"Thanks Bella," I replied wryly, as she chuckled quietly.

"Welcome, I'll see you at seven."

As we ended our conversation I turned to Emmett, my jaw tense, my eyes wild and dangerous. "How long did you listen in for?"

He backed away from me, his expression wary and hesitant, "Urm, for… all of it?"

"Emmett," I said coldly, "For once in my life, I want this relationship with Bella to work. But it won't, if I don't get any privacy," I took a threatening step towards him. "I gave you privacy with Rosalie, didn't I? Hell, I even stayed in a hotel for a night so you could get some _privacy._"

"I'm… sorry?"

"Sorry doesn't even cover it," I spat as I pushed him out of the room, slamming my door behind him for the millionth time. It was getting kind of old.

*

"So, Edward," Emmett muttered from the kitchen, "What are you going to wear?"

"What I usually wear?"

He snickered, "Not anything… _special_?"

"Look Emmett, you're really starting to worry me," I frowned as he turned to look at me. "Your overuse of the word totally, calling me babe, and then… how obsessive you are with what I'm going to wear. Are you sure there isn't something you want to tell me?" I ducked as he threw the spatula at my head.

"Shut up bitch," he sneered as I grinned widely back.

"Asshole."

"Mother fucking nightmare."

"What a lovely way to greet your girlfriend," Rosalie drawled sarcastically from the doorway as Emmett whirled around to face her.

"I-I didn't hear you come in."

"Of course you didn't," she smirked, nodding once towards me before turning her attention back to Emmett.

I guess this was my cue to leave.

I tried to ignore the… _strange _noises coming from the kitchen as I went to get the door as the bell rang. Bella was standing there, her face flushed as she met my gaze, her chocolate eyes melting into mine like… well, chocolate.

"Hi," I smiled warmly, kissing her cheek boldly as I opened the door a little wider to let her in.

"Emmett, Rosalie, we have guests," I yelled into the kitchen, giving them a slight warning to stop doing… whatever they were doing. Behind her was a short girl with black spikey hair, holding onto the arm of a blond man who I could only guess as her husband.

"This is Alice," Bella muttered, gesturing to her friend quickly, "And her husband Jasper."

I held out my hand towards him, shaking his as I winked towards Alice, who blushed pink. "It's a pleasure to meet you both."

I guided everyone towards the kitchen, making the introductions quick before Emmett could say something embarrassing. But of course… Emmett never missed an opportunity to humiliate me.

"So this is the one, huh Edward?" he teased as Rosalie whacked him before I could.

"Of course," I murmured, wrapping an arm around her waist as she chuckled breathlessly, slipping her own arm around my waist as she played along.

Emmett beamed, "Well, dinner's almost ready so take a seat everyone," he gestured melodramatically towards the table before finishing his preparations as Rosalie followed him.

As soon as he was out of the room, I turned to Bella, Alice and Jasper, "Anything you don't want to eat, leave it."

"Edward-" Bella scolded, as I grinned widely.

"I've had to suffer through this dinner enough to know something about it."

"It can't be _that_ bad," Alice crinkled her nose as I raised my eyebrows, smirking.

"Believe me."

Emmett came out carrying various dishes containing God-knows-what, and he set them down on the table before going to get more, "Tuck in everyone," he winked.

It didn't take long for all the dishes to be on the table, and for once the food wasn't too bad, although I had my suspicions that half of it was from Wal-Mart.

"So, what topic Edward? Childhood memories? Baby photos? Embarrassing moments?" he paused, smirking. "Bad date experiences?"

"How about neither?" I suggested.

"Bella's had some horrific bad date experiences," Alice rolled her eyes as Bella turned pink with embarrassment.

"Yeah, and they _really _don't need to hear about them."

"I'd like to know," I said quietly to her, "Just so that I don't make the same mistake myself," I reached for her hand reassuringly, squeezing it gently. "So, what happened?

"There was one..." she sighed reluctantly, "who was just… very unwilling to spend any money."

"Bella that's an understatement," Alice pointed out as Bella pulled a face.

"So what if he made me pay for dinner, and my cab journey home?"

"Don't forget the cinema ticket," she grinned cheekily, "or what about that other guy who refused to walk with you?"

"He refused to walk with you?" I turned to Bella, confused.

"He was 6'2 so he obviously had a longer stride than me," she explained, "and it was rather cold outside, so I didn't blame him for walking quickly."

"Even when you were running to keep up with him."

"OK, enough embarrassment at my expense please," she bit her lip nervously, her eyes staring back at me, pleading.

"To get out of my most recent date, I had to pretend that I was in love with Emmett, and that our house we lived in was on fire."

"Well, it looks like I've got some tough competition then, doesn't it?" Rosalie teased, smirking towards me.

"I think the worst one though," Bella chuckled, "has got to be the date I went on with Jasper."

"Jasper?" I looked up, meeting the gaze of the man holding onto Alice's arm. He was grinning widely.

"Alice met him in her art class and was too chicken to ask him out herself, so she set me up with him. Alice suggested that for a date idea he took my shopping, and it's not something that I really like, but Alice on the other hand," I shot her a smug glance as she glared back at me.

"This sounds familiar."

"Every single shop we went into, we'd _accidentally _bump into Alice, until Jasper eventually agreed to let her tag along with us. When I excused myself to give you some privacy, I come back, interrupting them making out."

I chuckled quietly, rolling my eyes. "Rosalie," I gestured towards her from across the table, "was a blind date Emmett set me up on. It's not such a great thing for your ego when you leave the restaurant to tell your best friend that you've finally found someone you can have a conversation with, and then you come back at he's kissing your lunch date."

"Edward I'm sorry. It just happened you know, and-"

"It's fine," I interrupted, "Besides, Rosalie's never been anymore than a good friend to me. You of all people know that."

Emmett shot me a weak, thankful smile.

"Well, I think one thing's come out of this," Bella sighed happily, turning to me. "And that is to _never _let your friend's set you up on dates."

*

_Bella's POV_

The dinner went better than could be expected. Alice didn't show any mortifying photos of me, or recount our memories of college, and she didn't bring out the Spanish Inquisition on Edward.

"They're watching us you know," Edward mused, his fingers drawing aimless patterns on my arms as we walked down the street, just trying to get away from them for a few moments.

I rolled my eyes, chuckling quietly. It was so typical of Alice.

Then, he leaned in a little closer to me, his breath trailing down the back of my spine, "What do you say we give them a little show to remember?"

_Show? _Show as in… pantomime, performance, theatre? Or show as in… My eyes widened with realization, _oh shit._

"What did you have in mind?" I raised an eyebrow daringly as I stopped walking, and turned to face him.

"How about…" he trailed off, moving a little closer towards me, as he tilted his jaw to the right. Oh God… was he going to-

"My grandmother's dying," I stammered, as he pulled back, his eyes wide with amusement.

"No she's not."

"I… need to get to my hamster's funeral."

"Bella-"

"My house is about to swept away by a giant massive black hole."

He frowned, "Why are you so nervous?"

"Perhaps it's because a volcano is erupting next to my house and I need to go and save it?"

He wrapped his arms tightly around me, not letting me move. "Do you not want me to kiss you? Is that it?"

I shook my head quickly.

"Then why," he chuckled, raising my chin up, "are you so nervous?"

_Perhaps it's because I like you more than I should. _"I-I haven't done this in a while," I stammered, which to be fair was the truth… just not the right truth.

He smiled crookedly, "And there was me thinking I had food in my teeth." And then he pulled me upwards, crushing his lips against mine. Even from all the way outside, I could hear the wolf whistling of my friends.

Hamster's funeral my ass.

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**AN **- What did you think of my attempt at humour? Funny? Downright stupid? Let me know! By the way, the song I used for Edward's ringtone is called _Gay Boyfriend _by _The Hazzards_.

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**Reviews = Cookies**


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